It Might Scare the Horses...

Before you go through with that "wild and crazy" scheme of yours, to "go out on a limb" and "let loose" like a loon, "in the fast lane" where "the normal rules don't apply" this holiday season, "getting loud, getting reckless," "throwing punches left and right," "cat-calling to all sentient beings within ear-shot" and "letting the chips fall where they may," while you slog on with your insatiable, unoriginal drunken revelries, just remember that.................. it might scare the horses. Yes the horses, those poor easily-befuddled creatures. Or - if you prefer, the bunny-rabbits. It might scare the rabbits also. And the earthworms. And the sheep. And the spotted owls. The spotted owls are getting nervous because of you. Are you feeling guilty yet? What is this?  - you ask. Some pathetic "shout out" from a priggish misanthropic claustrophobe to the vast ocean of vital, vigorous, uninhibited humanity? Yes, in part. Or is this a heartfelt "open letter tweet" from a representative of the "squares" of the world to the irrepressible "cool kids" and "risk-takers" who keep the nocturnal economies churning by collectively agreeing to "unwind" night after night on a somewhat regular basis? Is this some cryptic, antiquarian, 19th-century, tea-sipping appeal to "animal welfare" as a means of putting a check upon our more bacchanalian tendencies at the very moment when warm weather appetites are on the brink of "having their way" with us? Yes. Exactly. I am (indeed) trying to find that perfectly Pavlovian tag-line of moral turpitude that will freeze the most unreflective hedonist fresh in his or her tracks... "So why can't I just stick with the tried and true bromide: "Don't drink and drive." I mean, sure, that works up to a point, and if Paul McCartney is out there providing the public service announcement, I have no problem with that, but I want to go even further you see - not because I want to tell other people how to live their lives (although in a perfect world that would be nice...) It's more about wanting people to police themselves, wipe their own nose, tuck their own shirt in, tie their own shoes, comb their hair, walk in a straight line by themselves, restrain their own vile bodily urges to mayhem, violence, destruction of property and fly-by-night amorous entanglements, if you catch my drift. Oh, maybe I should offer something a little less subtle like: "Don't do that, you will regret it, if not tomorrow, then soon and for the rest of your life!" or "As district rep for the divinely-sanctioned objective moral code that all of us secretly do in fact or should all agree upon, I highly advise you to reconsider what you are about to do because it A.) it will not serve your long-terms interests as a human being possessed of reason, memory and the capacity for regret B.) it will not serve the public interest  or the common good (in case you happen to be a communitarian) and C.) and most importantly of all - it will annoy the heck out of me - the innocent third-party bystander who has to witness yet again another instance of needless public debauchery as I run to my car in panic.... And while we're on the subject of "cool kids" vs. "squares" - i.e. "beautiful people" vs. "also-rans" - let me just say that although the "squares" usually get a bad rap for their uptight, shy and retiring "avoidance behaviors," there's more to the story than just that. Oh botheration - don't get me started...